Are you ever scared?

I’m almost there. Right now I’m in North Manchester taking a few rest days at Manchester college while I visit some friends. That means that I only have 55.1 miles left to walk before I step foot in Middlebury. I only have four walking days left, putting me walking into my home on Sunday the 30th just in time to wash up for supper. The craziest part to me is knowing that out of those four walking days left there will only be one night that I won’t be staying with someone I know. Only one more night of going door to door asking for help.A question I often get from the folks that I talk to about my walk is, “are you ever scared?” The answer to that question is yes. Every day. But it’s not in the way that I feel that question is referring to. I learned pretty quickly that I didn’t need to be scared for my safety. Not once during this trip did I feel like my well-being was in jeopardy. Not even with the man with the gun did I feel like my life was in question, although it was freaky.

The fear I feel every day, every time I go up to a door, isn’t a fear of being hurt. It’s a fear of rejection. I understand why people say no, but that doesn’t change the fact that it stings every time. It is deeply painful to make yourself completely vulnerable to someone only to be turned away. Every time I go up to a door I am deeply terrified. It’s no easier now then it was when I started a month and a half ago.

I don’t think I will ever get over being scared of rejection, but I’ve been realizing that it’s not about not feeling fear. It’s about how I respond to that fear. Will I let this fear of having my vulnerability turned away stop me from being vulnerable. It doesn’t stop my God. God is the purest form of vulnerability and nakedness there is. The God that is Love puts that Love within each beautiful creation without asking if we will be responsible with that Love.

Every time we reject that Love or make even the littlest decision not based on Love we slam the door on God. I can’t even imagine the amount of pain I have caused God because God is that pure, vulnerable, naked love within me that I constantly choose to ignore and reject. But God doesn’t stop knocking. That pure and awesome Love is always within me no matter how many times I slam the door in its face. God doesn’t stop being vulnerable to us, so why should we stop being vulnerable to each other? Being truly vulnerable to each other is the only way community can work. The only way God’s kingdom can unfold. Even if it means going beyond our fear of being uncomfortable, our fear of being taken advantage of, or our fear of doing things wrong.

Small is Big

I passed into Indiana this morning. Around 250 miles left to walk. So far on the trip I’ve met some awesome people. Some of those people have helped me by letting me set up a tent in their yard or opened their door and let me crash on their couch. Others have done seemingly “small” things along the way. There has been many many times that I have stopped into a gas station to use the bathroom or ask for directions, and I left with 10 bucks someone slipped me and a few snacks the store manager gave me. Once I stopped into a restaurant to eat lunch. After eating I went up to pay only to find out that someone had already payed for me. Some one who had no idea who I was or what I’m doing. It made my day.  And at least once a day some one will pull over and offer me a ride. I say no, but it is still incredibly encouraging. The small things that happen along the way make a huge impact on my walk. After someone offers an encouraging word or a helping hand (even if I cant except it) I feel a literal increase in my energy. Even when people just want to ask what I’m doing, it feels good to know that people care enough to stop and talk to the strange man with the big backpack rather than just stare. It’s these small things that give me the energy and will to keep walking.

That was freaky

So far on this trip I haven’t really had a bad interaction. When people didn’t feel comfortable with me, they were still nice. Well this changed yesterday. It was about the middle of the day and I was walking on a road that didn’t have anything open to the public. Wich means no public bathrooms. So I had gone up to houses and ask if I could use their bathroom. I saw up ahead someone go behind their house and thought “good, I know someones home.” As I approached the house I saw that the man was walking out of his garage. Not wanting to surprise the man I called out in what i thought was a friendly voice “excuse me sir.” His response was to pull out a revolver and point it at me. After a breif ‘conversation’ with my hands in the air he told me to keep it on the road. I was more than happy to walk away at a very fast rate due to the adrenalin running through my veins. At first I was incredibly discouraged. But as I thought I remembered that things like this is one of the reasons why I did this walk in the first place. This man is not one of a kind. I have found that there is a general attitude towards strangers of guilty untill proven innocent. There is a lot of mistrust towards the unknown person. And I can’t say I don’t have this attitude ingrained into me aswell. One of the reasons I did this walk was to prove to my self and hopefully the people I meet that people aren’t bad. That every person has love in them, has God in them. The world likes to highlight the evil things people do and ignore the overwhelming love people have. The man who pointed the gun at me did not harm me and I assume he had absolutely no dire to hurt me. He just wanted to protect his house hold from the evil he beleaves rules this world. Something I will be reflecting on for quite a while.

And so you know, the day ended awesome with some one buying my a night a nice hotel with a pool and everything.

Talk about trust.

Something really cool happened yesterday as I was headed into Gainesboro, TN. After walking for about an hour or so I saw a gas station up ahead. Having not eaten that day yet I decided to stop in and get myself a sandwich. I got to talking with a few of the people inside who were also eating there (I love it when people ask why I’m carrying such a big pack). As the folks I was talking to finished eating and headed out a few of them slipped me some money. I thought “wow, my day has already been blessed”. But the day hadn’t even gotten started yet. After nearly everyone had left except me, the lady who worked there said she over heard a little of what I was doing but wanted to know more. I ended up talking to her and her husband and looking at my route. We found out that they lived close to my route about 10 miles ahead and they were cool if I set up a tent in their yard. The man then drove me to a Walmart and got me some moleskin (for my blisters) then dropped me off at their place. Before he left he said ” I can’t let you sleep out side with this chance of rain” so he handed me the house keys and his old trucks keys then took of. It turns out that him and his wife are headed down to Georgia this week-end to visit family. So here I am taking a rest day inside the house and driving the truck (into town so I can use the computer at the library) of some folks that only have known me for about an hour. Now I set out to experience the God that is Love that is within every human being, but I never expected this. Talk about trust.

On a side note: Thank you everyone for the comments. They are incredibly uplifting and searusly help a lot. Due to my limited time with computer acess I wont be able to resopond to any comments unless it has derect question. And I have to ‘aprove’ every coment before it gose on the page, so if you leave a comment and it dosnt show up right away that means I just nead to cheak it. Thank you.

And last sunday I got into the Goshen news so if you whant to read that artical its at http://goshennews.com/breakingnews/x1494184223/Local-man-knocks-on-doors-of-strangers