I’m almost there. Right now I’m in North Manchester taking a few rest days at Manchester college while I visit some friends. That means that I only have 55.1 miles left to walk before I step foot in Middlebury. I only have four walking days left, putting me walking into my home on Sunday the 30th just in time to wash up for supper. The craziest part to me is knowing that out of those four walking days left there will only be one night that I won’t be staying with someone I know. Only one more night of going door to door asking for help.A question I often get from the folks that I talk to about my walk is, “are you ever scared?” The answer to that question is yes. Every day. But it’s not in the way that I feel that question is referring to. I learned pretty quickly that I didn’t need to be scared for my safety. Not once during this trip did I feel like my well-being was in jeopardy. Not even with the man with the gun did I feel like my life was in question, although it was freaky.
The fear I feel every day, every time I go up to a door, isn’t a fear of being hurt. It’s a fear of rejection. I understand why people say no, but that doesn’t change the fact that it stings every time. It is deeply painful to make yourself completely vulnerable to someone only to be turned away. Every time I go up to a door I am deeply terrified. It’s no easier now then it was when I started a month and a half ago.
I don’t think I will ever get over being scared of rejection, but I’ve been realizing that it’s not about not feeling fear. It’s about how I respond to that fear. Will I let this fear of having my vulnerability turned away stop me from being vulnerable. It doesn’t stop my God. God is the purest form of vulnerability and nakedness there is. The God that is Love puts that Love within each beautiful creation without asking if we will be responsible with that Love.
Every time we reject that Love or make even the littlest decision not based on Love we slam the door on God. I can’t even imagine the amount of pain I have caused God because God is that pure, vulnerable, naked love within me that I constantly choose to ignore and reject. But God doesn’t stop knocking. That pure and awesome Love is always within me no matter how many times I slam the door in its face. God doesn’t stop being vulnerable to us, so why should we stop being vulnerable to each other? Being truly vulnerable to each other is the only way community can work. The only way God’s kingdom can unfold. Even if it means going beyond our fear of being uncomfortable, our fear of being taken advantage of, or our fear of doing things wrong.
monicasuejoseph
Sep 27, 2012 @ 14:43:23
Text or call me when you get to Elkhart County and I’ll see if I can get a photographer to shoot you coming home!
Caleb & Megan
Sep 27, 2012 @ 18:35:13
We wish we could be there to welcome you home! We are so proud of you and what you have done, reading your blog is incredible and the wisdom this trip has taught you is awesome. Can’t wait to see you and hear all your stories in person (unless your tired of telling them, then we can just talk). Stay safe and may God’s blessing continue to be with you these last few miles!
Steve
Sep 28, 2012 @ 01:51:26
Ben,
I am so proud of you, it has been so great to watch and listen as you have walked on this journey of faith. I often think of our time on Mt Yonah watching the moon dance between the clouds. Take care my friend and may you continue to boldly serve our God with your life.
Karen England
Sep 29, 2012 @ 16:45:33
Our prayers go with you.
humblewebmaster
Oct 01, 2012 @ 00:46:51
Hi Ben –
I have been praying for you and all that you are learning about God on this journey. I am listening through your posts on how you are learning. Each journey of faith in Christ begins with step by step obedience to the Holy Spirit. Praying for your welcome home. Pastor Catherine
Crispin Ilombe
Oct 03, 2012 @ 16:08:32
Hi Ben,
Who could imagine that you will be heading to your hometown soon? Days have passed but you still keep your faith in the Lord ! Your journey of faith is a real teaching on trusting the Lord. You left Atlanta on August 12 and now you are close to your hometown. When you were talking about your plan at AOC, we thought you were jocking. And now, you are proving us that with the Lord nothing is impossible.
Take care and I wish you all the best for the last few days remaining before you reach home. I am proud of you.